When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
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She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that