When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.


there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks


when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.


Shoutout out to maps. I don’t know where in the world I’d be without them


just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality


Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.


Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister


Sad news. Just read that the world scrabble eating champion has passed a Y.


Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no


First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem