@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

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@MoneypennyNaked

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

@dog_feelings

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

@Lunatic_times

when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.

@FlashShumway

Shoutout out to maps. I don’t know where in the world I’d be without them

@sensual_dad

just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality

@moose_chocolate

Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.

@BuckyIsotope

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

@GlennyRodge

Sad news. Just read that the world scrabble eating champion has passed a Y.

@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

@Jakexox

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem