Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.
Shoutout out to maps. I don’t know where in the world I’d be without them
just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality
Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.
We need a new man of the house
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Sad news. Just read that the world scrabble eating champion has passed a Y.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What’s the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem