When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.