I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?
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I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
“you said you were 5 min away”
me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they’re safe for a day, but why aren’t they good enough for a holiday meal?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me: how did u get in my room again
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT