Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
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police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition: