@DaddyJew

When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?

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@Lisabug74

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

@MomOnFire

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

@sidleykate

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

@simonblackwell

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

@gaddy_alex

“you said you were 5 min away”

me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..

@realfunghi

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

@rolldiggity

I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they’re safe for a day, but why aren’t they good enough for a holiday meal?

@Gupton68

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

@EJGomez

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

@IamEnidColeslaw

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT