When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest