When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

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I thought my name was “Stop encouraging her” until I was 11.


Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”


[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no


Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?


It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.


i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.


A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”


Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?


“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”


[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.