@stockejock

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

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@TheBoydP

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@WritePlay

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

@WilliamAder

Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.

@juanadog

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

@MomOnFire

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

@Owl_Meat

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

@TlaxBoy05

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers