Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Some people don’t realize how grateful they should be that I’m not allowed to carry a sword in public.
Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
There’s never enough good news
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten