@CantWaitToNap

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

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@clarkekant

Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.

@IndecisiveJones

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

@BarebakAssassin

Some people don’t realize how grateful they should be that I’m not allowed to carry a sword in public.

@Jennarater

Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.

@roxiqt

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

@mom_ontherocks

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

@pineapplepleas

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

@causticbob

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

@graceupongracie

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten