@CantWaitToNap: When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he's not inviting you for a three-way... I know this now.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: A watched pot never boils. Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
@TheBoydP: The hardest part of being a dog is not understanding why squirrels don’t want to play with you.
@ClichedOut: society: let's give mothers their very own day me: what about sharks? society: we'll give them a whole week
@JosesLovesYou: -911 Whats the emergency? My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir? Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?