When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

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Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.


crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle


Some people don’t realize how grateful they should be that I’m not allowed to carry a sword in public.


Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.


ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.


No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now


If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?


I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…


Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten