When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
*looks at you in batman voice*
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.