When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.