@SCbchbum

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

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@JasonLastname

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

@Pirate_nurse

It’s 6 am and I’ve already referred to a patient as “the one with the tig ol biddies”…wonder what time HR gets here

@Kirangandhi

The second world war should have been called world war returns

@solsayswhaaa

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

@david8hughes

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

@CatJacquesESPN

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

@MelvinofYork

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

@Paxochka

Saying “bukkake” when people sneeze is the new “gezundheit”, honest.