Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
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George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?