My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct