@dafloydsta

When a coworker says “This is all Greek to me”, I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.

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@Bob_Janke

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

@wendchymes

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

@Divergentmama

Sometimes you can’t just tell your kids to make good choices, you have to show them.

Which is why I’m having strawberry toaster strudel and carrot cake for breakfast.

Eat your fruits and veggies kids!

@MommaUnfiltered

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

@ArfMeasures

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

@Megatronic13

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

@jennfer46

Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute

@AtticusFinch79

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am