@prufrockluvsong

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

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@david8hughes

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

@RocketRankoon

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

@2Saddington

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

@MouthOfSass

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.

@onume_

Son: Dad I’m in love with a girl just like mum.
Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?

@baconacid

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

@neiltyson

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

@TuffyNyC

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

@040204Lawson

It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.