When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

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[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has


If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert


My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.


Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”

Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”

Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”

Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”


if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover


Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling “white people milk” and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street


Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.


My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones


Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”