@myonlymizztake

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

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@VeganZebra

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

@jdforshort

If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert

@ashley_barnhill

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

@Daniel_Sugarman

Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”

Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”

Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”

Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”

@koalaslament

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

@crushingbort

Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling “white people milk” and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street

@mishakey

Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.

@MelvinofYork

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

@taylortomlinson

Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”