When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
You Might Also Like
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.