@VeganZebra
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
@myonlymizztake
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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@VeganZebra
@jdforshort
If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
@ashley_barnhill
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
@Daniel_Sugarman
Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”
Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”
Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”
Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”
@koalaslament
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
@crushingbort
Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling “white people milk” and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street
@mishakey
Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.
@MelvinofYork
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
@taylortomlinson
Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”
@Cinderblockcat
Them: did you adopt your cat?
Me: no, it’s my biological cat.