I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire