When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
📽️movie date🎞️
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
*sewing*
A thread
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?