Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
dam girl
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.