When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
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As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Easy enough.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me