When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.