@Smooheed
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
@HALFniteStand
When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee
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@Smooheed
@Caissie
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
@KoKeniSasquatch
*throws caution to the wind*
*wind blows it back in my face at 100 mph*
@kellyoxford
“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter
@Dawn_M_
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
@LindaInDisguise
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
@KentWGraham
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
@Fred_Delicious
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
@dumbbeezie
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
@DadandBuried
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.