I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]