Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee
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Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*throws caution to the wind*
*wind blows it back in my face at 100 mph*
“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.