When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes: