When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
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are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
never ask a starfish for directions
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?