Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
me: this is free, right?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Like 4 of his hoodies
800 thread count sheets