@aimeevc1970

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

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@timdonakowski

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

@Social_Mime

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

@CakeThrottle

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

@NewDadNotes

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

@shariv67

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

@envydatropic

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

@jctwritesstuff

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*