When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.