hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China