When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

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*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.


Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.


“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)


Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!


Coolest jobs:
1)Beer maker
2)Secretary of War
4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers


Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap


Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”


Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”


Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.


I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.