When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
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as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways