My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn