@TheAndrewNadeau
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
@arielleBigBlue
When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.
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@TheAndrewNadeau
@TrueTorontoGirl
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
@TheHyyyype
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
@sofarrsogud
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
@drinksmcgee
The date had been magic.
We moved to her couch & kissed.
Thatβs when horror struck as my eyes locked on the Duck Dynasty DVDs on her shelf.
@danagould
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
@Thee1_4U
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.
@calvinstowell
she has a point
@timdonakowski
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
@Alyssa_Jolie
Pros don’t ever use the Tip.