Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: You’re leaving us.
Me: Also, why?
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
website: select a security question
website: make of first car
website: mother’s maiden name
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
The date had been magic.
We moved to her couch & kissed.
That’s when horror struck as my eyes locked on the Duck Dynasty DVDs on her shelf.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.
she has a point
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Pros don’t ever use the Tip.