@arielleBigBlue

When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

@TheHyyyype

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

@sofarrsogud

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

@drinksmcgee

The date had been magic.
We moved to her couch & kissed.
That’s when horror struck as my eyes locked on the Duck Dynasty DVDs on her shelf.

@danagould

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

@Thee1_4U

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.