When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.