my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
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[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”
HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend: