Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
We cut our bangs at dawn.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My time has come.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”