Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.