When a kid starts off a sentence with “promise you won’t get mad,” don’t panic. Just be prepared to get mad.

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ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second


ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.


I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.


a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee


Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.


Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.


Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.


[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus


anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra


therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am