When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
San Francisco has too many rules
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*