You Might Also Like
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Great Canadian literature.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.