Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
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We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Did I do this right
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I told my vodka about you.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.