when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
You Might Also Like
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?