If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
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feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Love is always patient and kind.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva