banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
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Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.