@Mimiification

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

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@adamochoa

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

@RobDenBleyker

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

@smithsara79

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

@aotakeo

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

@jordan_stratton

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

@ANW_writer

If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.