@Mimiification

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

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@MacMcCannTX

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

@AnkCoupleTO

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

@roobeekeane

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

@mom_ontherocks

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

@ThisOneSayz

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

@rolldiggity

I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.