Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.