When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless


I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.


Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.


The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.


Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper


When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.


I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying


Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again


God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )



God: that pun was beary bad.


[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.



Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.