When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My dryer is celebrating lint.