@SkinnerSteven

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

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@VerbsRProudest

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

@bleustreak

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

@AthenaMystique

Canadians have to stick together.

Really, it’s the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don’t have much of a choice.

@joeveix

Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.

@KylePlantEmoji

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

@sixthformpoet

The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.

@SeiYoung83

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

@turkeyheadmac

Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don’t apply the brakes

@stevevsninjas

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*