When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

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13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*


I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.


Canadians have to stick together.

Really, it’s the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don’t have much of a choice.


Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.


Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?


The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.


*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”


Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don’t apply the brakes


Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*