When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
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I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
The asteroid..
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded