I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Me: what do you like to do for fun?
Her: anything outside. You?
Me, basically a hermit: I too have ventured outside of my home before
I really want to snuggle and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: I’m gonna make a salad
Her: I think the lettuce went bad
[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.