When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

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I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.


A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.


Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.


This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.


Me: what do you like to do for fun?

Her: anything outside. You?

Me, basically a hermit: I too have ventured outside of my home before


I really want to snuggle and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?


Me: I’m gonna make a salad

Her: I think the lettuce went bad

[opens fridge]

[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]


I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy


The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.