@citizenkawala

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

You Might Also Like

@AmandaEeeek

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

@iGreenGod

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

@DorsaAmir

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

@AimeeHelene1

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

@DaddyJew

Me: what do you like to do for fun?

Her: anything outside. You?

Me, basically a hermit: I too have ventured outside of my home before

@SweetNisCupcake

I really want to snuggle and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

@Sal0630

Me: I’m gonna make a salad

Her: I think the lettuce went bad

[opens fridge]

[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]

@oria2326

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

@StaceyShortcake

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.