I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
“Love means never having to say your sorry.”
– someone who is very single
why isn’t he texting back
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A nope of laundry.
*ref blows whistle*
Whistle: oh, oh god, wow. Oh geeeze
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.