When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

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I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.


The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.


TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late


this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great


“Love means never having to say your sorry.”

– someone who is very single


I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably


I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.