When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee