When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”