When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
You Might Also Like
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”