When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!