When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
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A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
good work, detective
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
no such thing as a dumb question
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.