When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
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“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair