@Maxine12333

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

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@portmanteauface

As a kid, when my parents would tell me not to waste water, I knew enough about science to tell them you technically can’t because it evaporates and condenses and returns to earth in a harmonic cycle. Now I get water bills and wonder why they didn’t just slap me in the damn face.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

@texasstalkermom

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

@kerihw

Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.

@notmythirdrodeo

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

@seraphicpetal

I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”

10 : “Dopamine”

@mela_shea

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

@johncheese

I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”

@iwearaonesie

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No