@Maxine12333
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
@portmanteauface
As a kid, when my parents would tell me not to waste water, I knew enough about science to tell them you technically can’t because it evaporates and condenses and returns to earth in a harmonic cycle. Now I get water bills and wonder why they didn’t just slap me in the damn face.
@Ideal_Victoria
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
@texasstalkermom
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
@kerihw
Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.
@notmythirdrodeo
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
@seraphicpetal
I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”
10 : “Dopamine”
@mela_shea
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
@johncheese
I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”
@iwearaonesie
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
@stevenperkins
❄️
