@Maxine12333

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

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@TheIronSherk

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

@MommaUnfiltered

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

@sskylark

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

@mrjohndarby

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

@NicestHippo

[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?

@stevevsninjas

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

@BlACk__ThRoaT

When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.

@guiltymamma

If the husband is being a jerk I sync my phone to his headphones and play Baby Shark