Not having sex till I have kids
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
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If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
If the husband is being a jerk I sync my phone to his headphones and play Baby Shark