When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

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As a kid, when my parents would tell me not to waste water, I knew enough about science to tell them you technically can’t because it evaporates and condenses and returns to earth in a harmonic cycle. Now I get water bills and wonder why they didn’t just slap me in the damn face.


I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”


Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.


Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.


I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.


I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”

10 : “Dopamine”


Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother


I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”


[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No