When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
You Might Also Like
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.