When a shoelace touches your ankle
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ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
This makes total sense…
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
brian had himself a morning…
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out