When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.